Updated: Feb 18, 2021
Trauma is a difficult path. But through trauma i have found more love and more beauty than I thought I knew existed all around me. I am not perfect yet, but I have made quantum leaps through the shit. And every breath I take now tastes sweeter.
I re live the moment I couldn't say goodbye to you. From the back of the ambulance I caught a glimpse of you burrowed into your daddy's arms. I tried to hold your face in my mind like a snapshot in time and take it with me. I didn't know if I would ever see you again. Your last memory would be of me screaming in pain.
On that day my bowels perforated. I became very sick, and would go on to stay 8 weeks in the hospital fighting for my life. All I thought about was you.
Marshall, you were my strength. You gave me courage. You were the reason I didn't give up. Never give up Marshall. I wanted to fight so I could be the mother to you that I always wanted. I wanted to fight so I could teach you morals and give you a better chance at life. To change our family tree. To show you that success is worth all its failings. and that failing makes progress.
I want you to know that you are a light. You are loved. And after you came into this world I had a purpose. Life is more beautiful with you in it. You gave me the gift of becoming a mother, something I always wanted but didn't realize was going to justify my life.
The Picture I included with this letter is a card you made me while I was in the hospital. I kept it by my heart and looked at it everyday.
Thank you for giving me strength my son. I am blessed to have you as my son.